pondermuse

I was perfectly comfortable lying in bed after just finishing a chapter of Watchman Nee’s The Normal Christian Life, when I felt compelled to get up and write this. It’s 10:17pm and I haven’t felt this close to God in months if not years. This feeling is so refreshing, because I’ve been feeling as if my relationship with God has been decaying from atrophy.

Here’s the breath of fresh air God graciously gave me through Nee’s chapter:

I belong to God. Without him, I wouldn’t even exist, and he’s given me everything including my time, money, and talents. It’s obvious that I owe him everything. It’s obvious that I am completely indebted to being his slave. Nobody wants to be anyone’s slave, but it’s obvious that this is my duty. I have to give up.

At first, this is a very scary realization. It’s depressing because I don’t think I can do it: give up my life? It’s too hard, so I’m not even gonna try. He’s going to ask me to do things I don’t wanna do… like talk to strangers about Jesus… or visit nursing homes… or get out of bed and write when I’d rather be sleeping.

But even though it’s scary and depressing, it’s also somehow relaxing. God’s plans for my life are incomparably better than my own. He is a loving master who knows what’s best for me. My life also becomes simpler: I don’t have to worry about plans or make tough decisions; all I have to do is listen to him and obey.  

In the beginning, Love existed.  There was nothing else.  Just pure Love.  There was no good or evil, no joy or sorrow, no unity or division.  Love was all that existed.  All that existed was Love.  It is impossible to think of something else that existed.  Time did not exist.  Space did not exist.  Matter did not exist.  Love has always existed.  He has no beginning, and He will never end.  Nothing can destroy Love.  Love is superior to all things.  It is on a completely different level from all else.  Love birthed all things.  Love is powerful.  He is creative.  He created energy and forces and matter.  How?  Love is powerful.  Love never fails.  

Love always existed.  Love was all, and there was nothing else.  Empty space did not even exist because Love was all.  Love was everywhere, except space did not exist, so “everywhere” is not the right word.  Love was all, and there was nothing else.  Then, Love acted, and the beginning of time began.  The clock of History began.  One second.  Two seconds.  Three seconds.  The story of Love had begun unfolding.  It was then, at the beginning, that Love made the heavens and the Earth.  He made the visible, and the invisible.  How?  Love is powerful.  Why?  It pleased Him to do so.  It is Love’s nature to love, so He created everything to be the object of His love.  It was an act of generosity and pure love that He created everything.  Love selflessly created us so we could be loved by Him.  Love loves loving.  He made humans special by giving us the ability to love.  Love can live in us and change our lives.  We have the capacity to house and practice Love and loving.

Sometimes we get so caught up in loving that we forget Love.  Sometimes we close our hearts to Love and loving.  That makes us miserable.  Sometimes humans misdirect their loving.  Sometimes an individual practices loving himself.  That contradicts the nature of Love and loving.  Love is selfless.  Self-loving is also miserable.  The natural thing is to live with Love, loving while Love loves us.  Surrender to Love.  Live by Love.  Let Love guide you.  You exist to give loving and receive loving.  Every human being enjoys loving and being loved.  Sometimes it is hard to give loving, but it is always fulfilling.  Sometimes when people are hurt, they give up on Love and loving.  This is very sad.  Love is sad to see this happen, but Love never gives up.  Love is gentle and kind.  He always hopes, and He always perseveres.  Love never fails.  Love is a spirit that can live inside of you.  Love is a force that can drive you.  Deep down, we all crave loving.  We look to each other for loving, but if we don’t have Love within us, we won’t be satisfied.  Love is the only thing that satisfies.

Lust is a lie.  It is a counterfeit love.  Lust is similar to Love except he takes instead of gives.  The Spirit of Love produces joy and peace and patience.

Love exists.  Love has always existed.  There was never a time when Love did not exist.  In the beginning, Love was the only thing that existed

Marriage is not about living in a state of emotional ecstasy. Marriage is the commitment to fully invest your life into the other person no matter what. This means overlooking her annoying mannerisms that you can’t stand. An endless amount of grace is needed in order to love anything so imperfect as a human being. Marriage is not to be taken lightly. Love isn’t defined by the presence of emotional feelings, because the truest form of love can only show itself during those times when the emotional high is absent.

In a white room. I immediately knew who he was. Pain in his face. Anguish in his voice. Nothing joyful. Nothing distracting. Silence. Just us breathing. Standing there sad looking at me. Not saying a word. He doesn’t have to. Anguish in his voice. I don’t even try to plead with him. If I say “Lord, Lord…” I know what he’s gonna say. Tear down his face. “I spilled my guts for you.” What did I do for him? Ya, hell is painful, but I let him down.

Over 70 people wished me a happy birthday on facebook today. As I went down the list, I saw all kinds of people, but the ones who stuck out to me were the ones who I barely knew. An underclassman who I had purposefully been friendly to. Someone else who I had only met once and encouraged to keep following his passion. The quiet kid at the dinner. The unpopular people at social gatherings. My heros, idols and role models were very scarce on the list. 

This leads me to ask the question, what kinds of people am I living for? It is natural to look up the pecking order in search of friends, but Jesus looked down it to see us.

Love is expressed through the act of laying down your own life (time, money, desires, energy, etc.) for the benefit of someone else. This means pouring out your vitality in order to increase that of someone else.

In order to treat yourself with love, this same self-emptying process must take place (except this time you reap the benefit instead of your neighbor). Because it is a form of love, self discipline is costly and requires self sacrifice. Treating yourself with love is expressed through self discipline.

Life is a question of how to spend your time. Investing in people seems like a noble cause, but people don’t like to be made into projects. To “invest” in someone turns that person into an investment plan. Nobody wants to be merely the investment plan of someone else. People are not stocks, and to treat them as such would be offensive. Instead of investing in people, why not try loving them? We could take joy just in learning about others: their thoughts, beliefs, and personalities. Just learning about someone else for the love of it. Trying to change someone is hardly ever received as a form of love.

And sometimes we need to feed ourselves before we can effectively feed others. The best way for me to spend my time might be to study and apply the Bible to my own life rather than trying to show other people how they can apply it to their lives. The individual has more power to affect and change himself than he does over any other person. It might be more productive for a Christian like myself to forget imparting life to others so that we can make sure our own hearts are actually beating.

Usually after you finish reading a book, you sit there for a second in awe, soaking in and admiring that fantasy world you just finished visiting. You then eventually notice the time, and come to your senses. Everything begins to fade away as you return back to real life. 

C. S. Lewis’s The Great Divorce was just the opposite. As usual, the fading process commenced as I put down the book… but reality wasn’t the place I was returning to. I was returning from reality to earth. Little temporary earth: that foreign country that I’m stationed at only temporarily. Reading that book was like visiting home, the true reality.

It’s hard to describe, but the way I understand it, He is absolute perfection. He is without fault. He’s so good that He can’t get any better. Everything about Him is right. You know how humans have weaknesses and make mistakes? Well He doesn’t. He can’t improve upon himself, because there’s nothing to improve on. He can’t ever learn anything, because He already knows everything. He’s infinite, without beginning or end. Infinity plus one still equals infinity. That’s how God is. He can’t be added to or subtracted from. He’s so good that even if you were to add goodness to Him, He wouldn’t change

I just finished Mockingjay. The plot felt slow and unguided at times, but the ending made up for any meandering. The overarching atmosphere of the whole series is so deep, dark and heavy that only the faintest ray of sunshine is needed to be powerfully beautiful.

The human race is lost, broken, and corrupt, but the fragile luxury of joy is still attainable. What an appropriate commentary on life and humanity.